Our Mission

Come find out what our mission as a non-profit organization is.

Our Story

Read the story of the sweet baby boy that inspired the foundation of this non-profit organization.


Learn more about what each donated package contains and the reason why it is included.

How To Help

Want to help out? Come find out the ways that you can do just that.


There are many ways you can donate to our cause - come read how to do so.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! I am so excited to see what the new year has in store for our organization.  I look forward to having our kits in local facilities within the next few weeks.  I am glad that I will FINALLY feel like something positive is coming out of my own tragedy. I recently received more donations of gowns and journals to complete our first set of kits. Thank you to Kory & Joe Druecker and Jill Denny!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

50 Completed Kits Donated

Christmas came early for God's Angels Gone Early! A huge thank you to Chris John and the Agua Fria Relief Society for making and donating 50 completed kits! We received 25 girl and 25 boy kits.  I am so grateful for the support we have received thus far and can't wait to donate these gifts.

Thank you!!

25 boy kits
25 girl kits
Example of a completed girl kit
Example of a completed boy kit

Friday, November 16, 2012

Vote Vote Vote

We are amazed!! This past week we have been asking you all to do us a favor and vote for our organization on Hearts.com Facebook page - they are doing a contest where the most voted organization will receive $1 per vote. 
We were blown away when we found out today that we are among the TOP THREE organizations. 

TOP THREE you guys!! 

That is huge and it is all because of you guys. Thank you! This money would make a huge difference - imagine all of the packages we would be able to create and in return give to families in need! 
You can vote through Tuesday so if you haven't already please take just 1 minute of your time to like the Hearts.com facebook page and vote for God's Angels Gone Early!! 

Click here to vote: http://on.fb.me/T3CTCq
Mobile users click here: http://shout.lt/dKlY

Please take a moment as well to share these links with your family and friends! Each vote DOES make a difference. Thank you all!! 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Guest Post: Casey

Today we are fortunate enough to have Casey with us guest posting  from The Wiegand's - she is an amazing person. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her site, and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

I wrote the post below the day that we went in for our D&C. Still to this day there is nothing that can bring me to tears faster than thinking about that loss. I rest in the hope that this little one will be waiting to greet me at the gates of heaven when I arrive. Since this post was written I got pregnant again and gave birth to our sweet little girl, Apple. It is an old English use of the word "apple" and does not refer to the fruit we call the "apple" today. It refers to the center of the pupil of the eye. 
When you make something the "apple of your eye", it means to watch over it and protect and cherish it.

Today there was a hurtful finality to our loss. The little baby with no heartbeat was still with me until noon today and now he/she is gone. A lot of how I am feeling and what I have to say is very raw and very real.

Being honest yesterday even with some tears I felt like I needed to be strong. I thought I can't be sad...I have so much to be thankful for and people have suffered many losses like this before...Casey be strong. My mind is able to have good perspective, I know that I am blessed with 2 beautiful babies, I know we have never suffered a miscarriage before or dealt with any kind of infertility but the truth is...
I woke up today hurt, heartbroken, sad, empty. 
I decided today I dont care if anyone out there in the world thinks it is silly that I am sad, devastated, heartbroken over this loss-because I need to be real about how I feel.

I looked at a baby that looked just like Aiden and Ainseigh at 3 months...and I know it would have grown up to look just like them and love me the way they do....and that little person is gone. It's strange having a loss after having two children because I naturally imagine it looking and acting very similar to them... 
it had such a reality to it.

God is so good and does wrap us up in these times of heartache... and I trust with my soul that He has a plan. But it doesn't soften the hurt. I was uneasy all morning with a huge lump in my throat. I have to say thank you so much for loving me well. I had flowers and meals on my doorstep, constant emails/texts/calls all morning....I am blessed to have such love in my life.

My doctor is a beautiful soul...her nurses and staff truly are like family to me. They have walked through some hard hard things in my personal life along side with me as well as 2 rough starts. She cried along with us today. She answered all my questions. I am sensitive soul- I take great care and respect to the little life that I had started in me and I wanted to make sure that afterwards, even so small, it was respected greatly.
I miss the dreams we had for this child, I miss being pregnant, I just miss this baby.

This baby that we named Addison.
Addison Wiegand.
 It made me feel better to give him/her a name...to think about the day I reach heaven he/she will be standing there, I will instantly know who he/she is and wrap my hands around so tight.

I love you sweet Addison. I am so sorry I was unable to have time with you here on earth... I don't know or understand, but I love you just the same. Mama is coming someday and we will be together again. 
I love you sweet baby. so so very much.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Guest Post: Stephanie

Today we are lucky enough to have Stephanie from MamaMarmalade with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her site,  and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

In 2002 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. My husband Rob and I were so thrilled and excited to be starting a family and straight away started making plans for the arrival of our little one. 

Quite early on I had a bit of a bleeding scare and during the ultrasound we found out we were having twins! TWINS. We just couldn't believe how lucky and special this was. Several weeks later at the 12 week scan our twins were found to be identical. I remember sitting in the sonographer's office being told all the risks that came with identical twins but I just figured 'stuff like that happens to other people'.

We sailed through the pregnancy smoothly - no morning sickness, no unpleasant side effects - just a beautiful time in our lives growing these babies. Rob and I were in absolute heaven. We used to call them 'two babies the same' .. as at a 16 week scan we found out they were identical girls. We named them Ella and Jasmine. It was the happiest I had ever been in my life and I just couldn't believe I'd been blessed with this absolute miracle.

We used to laugh about how one day Ella and Jasmine would play tricks on us, pretending to be each other. We bought books on twins and wanted to know everything about them. I joined a pregnancy pilates class for twin Mums. I spent time online chatting with other expecting Mums of twins. We chose the double pram we were going to buy, we redesigned our house we'd planned to renovate. It was simply a magical time of our lives.

In my 5th month of pregnancy, we decided to go on our 'last holiday'. We laughed about how it would be our last time to get away and sleep and that our next holiday would be as a family of four.

We left Melbourne for Dunk Island. I didn't want to go overseas as I was worried about a long haul flight so we picked a tropical Island off the Queensland coast. We arrived and had a gorgeous room and everything was perfect!

I hadn't felt quite right the day before we left and brushed it off as nerves and excitement mixed with some overtiredness as I was getting quite big and uncomfortable at night. The first night I was so uncomfortable and thought it was the bed I was sleeping in - so the resort offered us an upgrade to a suite as it had a bigger and better bed.  During the day I felt quite off, my lower back hurt and my thighs were aching but again I just thought it was pregnancy woes!

That afternoon as I was in the bathroom my waters broke. In hindsight I'd been losing my mucous plug for days but it was my first pregnancy and I just didn't know what it was.

We rang my obstetrician in Melbourne and she told me to get to a hospitial straight away. This involved being taken by boat to the mainland and then by ambulance to Innisfail Hospital which took a few hours. There I was admitted to a general ward and basically left for two days on bedrest. A scan showed the babies were fine and my amniotic fluid levels were normal so the doctors there assumed maybe my membranes hadn't ruptured after all - and they sent me on my way.

This time I wanted to go to Cairns to be close to Cairns Base Hospital 'just in case' until we could get a flight back to Melbourne. We hired a car and I remember driving there and thinking I was the luckiest woman alive. Gorgeous husband, healthy babies and even though I'd had a scare I thought everything would be okay. The doctors at Innisfail had assured me everything was going to be fine.

We found a little B&B at Trinity Beach and figured it was a good place to rest for a day or two. Not long after we arrived I started having tummy cramps and phoned the nurse who'd seen me at Innisfail who told me not worry - that I was just constipated and it was all normal. I stupidly believed her.

As the day went on these pains grew worse and worse but I really was so constipated and had a strong desire to push - which just added to my agreement that yes it was constipation causing this awful pain.  However they were contractions, I just didn't know it. I'd never had a baby before and just didn't know any better. Who knew that labour brought on an urge to push?! Not me, back then.

That night I sent Rob out to get me some ice cream, but I really just wanted alone time in the bathroom because I was feeling so 'constipated'.

At 10.40pm my first born daughter, Ella, was born as I sat on the toilet.

My eyes well up with tears still when I type this. Knowing now 10 years later what I had to go through after that.

As I felt Ella being born I started to scream like I've never screamed. I went into complete shock and the next thing I remember is Rob and some of the hotel staff trying to help me. I stood up and at that point I think I passed out.

A team of paramedics arrived and stretchered me to a waiting ambulance and before they shut the door I heard him whisper to the other paramedic 'can you go back and get the baby'
. My heart had broken so completely by this point it didn't even register.

Upon arrival at Cairns Base Hospital I was told that my other little girl had no chance of survival as they shared the same placenta and it was just a matter of time before she too was born.

At 2.15am the following morning, Jasmine was born. Surrounded by the most caring and wonderful midwives on the planet and my devastated husband. She wriggled around for a while and then peacefully died, just too little for this world.

My beautiful daughters, Ella and Jasmine, had both died and for me the world just stopped.

After Jasmine was born I had the agony of having to then deliver the placenta. Eventually due to my hysteria and the fact it was taking too long I was sent to surgery to have it removed and all I could think was '
they'll knock me out, some relief from this agony'.

The next two days were a blur of sedation and hysterical bouts of crying. I was completely inconsolable and the pain of losing my babies was so intense I thought I was going to die. Leaving the hospital with empty arms the day I was discharged was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life.

As we are from Sydney but lived in Melbourne - we flew to Sydney until Ella and Jasmine's bodies were brought back so we could have a funeral. We just had our parents at the funeral, no friends. I don't know why I did that. I just felt nobody understood. The memory of my girls in their little white coffin is etched in my memory forever.

We returned to Melbourne and I fell to pieces. I didn't leave our apartment for weeks on end. Didn't shower, didn't answer the phone - I took up smoking and just sat on our balcony, smoked and hoped the world would end. I was in the deepest, darkest pit of depression and the only relief I ever got was my precious sleeping tablets that I had come to rely on to escape the pain I was in. I remember one day in Port Melbourne being in the supermarket, my only outing in months, and I saw a woman with twin babies. I left my shopping and ran home not even remembering my car. Things like that happened for a long time. 

I became obsessed with finding out why my babies had died. I knew there were risks with identical twins I just hadn't realised how great those risks are. All I could think of was if I'd just managed to hold on for a couple more weeks then they'd have possibly survived. They were just too premature to be given a chance. Eventually after many months of doctors and specialists anlysing pathology results and ultrasounds, etc. they were diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). One twin is starved of blood while the other is pumped with too much. 

My relationship with Rob suffered. I couldn't understand how he could go to work and do normal things because I wasn't even capable of feeding myself. I felt so alone and nobody understood. I was so consumed with grief and my twins were on my mind constantly. I found writing was very therapeutic and kept journals, sometimes I'd write for hours each day - just pouring my heart into these little books because I felt so forgotten about and nobody could understand why I was still grieving. 

Nobody knew how to treat me. Friends stopped calling because they didn't know what to say. Some friends never called at all. Some said really inappropriate things to me which I still haven't come to terms with. Friendships were fractured but then out of the woodwork came some amazing friends who really understood. I became involved with some online support groups for Mums who'd lost babies. It was unbelievable that a couple of months previously I'd sat at the same desk on other pregnancy forums talking about my unborn twins and now here I was, grief stricken, searching for someone who understood.

Those Mums were a lifeline for me, I cannot stress how important they were in my healing process. And ten years later they are still some of my closest friends - even though some of us are oceans apart. They were the ONLY people who really could understand how I felt and they were of such a comfort to me. All I wanted was to meet someone who'd been through what I had, and survived it. Becauase for a long time I didn't think I would. I was just so totally broken.

Pregnancy loss is so misunderstood. It's very hard to really understand how dreadful it is until you go through it yourself. About six months after Ella and Jasmine died, I finally sought the help of a grief counsellor and it was a major turning point in my recovery. I saw her every week for many months and it was really helpful. I was just so glad to know I wasn't losing my mind because for a long time I just wanted to die. I just got absolutely no enjoyment out of anything and was most content sitting on my balcony alone with my dog, smoking, writing and crying. 

I found certain dates incredibly difficult. The first being my twins actual due date. This was excruciating. But not as bad as seeing the friends I had that were pregnant with me go on to have healthy babies. This just crippled me to the point I just couldn't go and visit them with their new babies. My first christmas was awful, the first mother's day, and finally the one year anniversary. Somehow this was a peaceful day, but the lead up to it was very hard. However finally it was the last of the firsts - I never had to do something for the first time as it had been a whole year. I really don't know how I survived that year.

Slowly with time I did start to heal. I had my first living child 18 months later and have had another 3 since then. So now I have four healthy children and have just passed the ten year anniversary of Ella and Jasmine's deaths. 

The loss of my twins has molded who I am today. It was a life changing experience which although I have since had four living children, its grief still takes up a small place in my heart. I never thought I'd recover from that agony but as they say, time does heal. As much as I hated that saying in my early days, it's most definitely true. The loss of a baby at any stage is devastating and unless you've experienced it, it's difficult to comprehend. Friends and family don't know how to support you and if it weren't for my support network of amazing bereaved mums who reached out to help I don't know what I'd have done.

If you would like to guest post with us in months to come, please send us a message via our Contact Us page. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Guest Post: Denisse

Today we are lucky enough to have Denisse with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person who was willing to share with us all her story. Please take a moment to read her post and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

I was in conflict with my own grief. I was unsure if the pain that I was feeling was somewhat exaggerated or if the people around me truly didn’t understand my loss.

I didn’t plan my pregnancy. In fact, I didn’t even think I would get pregnant. Having PCOS -(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and not being on any medications it was almost an impossibility. It had been 2 years since my doctor and I had decided that I would manage the disease with diet and exercise rather than medications. It didn’t even occur to me that my menstrual cycle had been regulated for the first time in over 20 years without the use of birth control pills.

I felt my body changing. But I had no idea what the change meant. I assumed that the tenderness in my breasts and my lack of energy came from the constant working out I had been doing at the gym and that my body was warning me of my period. But a week had gone by and no period. So I decided to humor myself and take a home pregnancy test. I ran the test before my shower and had even almost forgotten that I had done it. But when I grabbed the test it was positive. I didn’t even know how to feel. A surge of emotions came over me. I was happy and excited, shocked and scared, smiling and crying. And there it was, that feeling of motherhood I had totally erased from my mind as anything I would ever actually feel.

The next few weeks I spent on the phone with my mom and my younger sister. I wanted to share every bit of happiness with my mother because for the first time I felt as though we had something in common. And I spoke to my sister almost daily but it was more for comfort over every cramp I felt. I can laugh now because I see how subtle she was in reassuring me that everyone experiences these minor pains. She would even send me links as to comfort me.  She even had me sign up for a website that would send me weekly emails on the progression of my pregnancy.

When it was time for my first ultrasound I was excited. I had already read that my baby’s heart had been beating for over 5 weeks. Now it was time to finally hear the heart of the baby that had been growing in my womb. It felt like it weighed as much as a baseball even though I knew it was a lot smaller.

But something else happened that day. I didn’t hear my baby’s heart. In fact, I didn’t even look at the screen to ever see my gift from God. Although, there was nothing but loud cries and worry and pain coming from every part of my body, there was nothing but silence in the room. I couldn’t tell. The body language to every doctor in the room was so loud it burned through my skin. And in the midst of all the chaos, the only person whose eyes met mine and totally understood what I was feeling was his father. I sunk into his chest and just cried.

It had been 2 weeks since my baby had stopped growing. And even then I felt like I was a bad mother because I didn’t even feel the change in my body. Sometimes I think back to those days and wonder about every movement, every jump, every hard laugh, and I wonder, did I know?

The worst part came in the months to come. After they had successfully removed my baby I had to come back to reality. With so much going on in my own life I had to move from New York and back home to Boston. I was closer to my family but further away from the man that had given me such a blessing. The coping became difficult because I felt as though I had to be strong. Even when I cried about how I felt to my sister it was as if I was left to grieve on my own because I wouldn’t even get a hug to be comforted. I didn’t know who to turn to. The father hadn’t really wanted the baby so his concern wasn’t in comforting me all the time, my mother would talk to me but I knew she couldn’t comfort me from Puerto Rico. I prayed, I wrote, I meditated. I did everything I thought a woman should do after a loss in order to remain strong. But the truth was, it was eating me up inside and I didn’t even know it. It wasn’t until someone began to say mean things to me about only having the memory of a dead baby that I began to feel the sharpness of m pain. And it was so strong that it began to destroy every bit of strength I had in me and I began to cry out for understanding, or better yet, a hug.
So I began to write. I wrote and I wrote all the pain away. And for the first time, I put it on my blog and released my pain to the universe.

I did it with the purpose of liberating myself of the pain, and in turn, God sent me the biggest blessing; women. I connected with women who had suffered loss, women who were still grieving, women who were talking and grieving together. I was able to find websites from women all over the world who connected with me via Twitter and Facebook after they had read my story. I received so many warm and encouraging words that helped me through the next days and weeks to come. The most beautiful gift came from a woman in Colorado who had suffered the loss of her grandchild as a result of a miscarriage and has since become an advocate for grieving mothers. She sent me a painting in a small frame with my baby’s name on it. It was the first time I had actually seen his name printed and for the first time in months, my baby was significant.

I can’t say that I am healed yet. It hasn’t even been a year since my loss. But as I celebrated my due date this past month I realized that healing isn’t exactly what I am supposed to do. My experience, along with that of so many other women, has a purpose.  As I continue to meet more and more women who have their own stories, I know that my baby has a legacy as well. Because of my angel, I have a story to share. I have words of encouragement for other women. My grieving is no longer a closeted process. As I choose to grow in my life, I have embraced my experience and I am learning how to integrate it into my life as part of my journey. And because of that decision, I am glad that God has given me my strength back. I am glad to have the people in my life that I can openly express myself to when I have to and now they understand, to a degree, that the significance my child had in my life, is one that no one can ever take from me. But most of all, I am most grateful for having a voice. I thank God that I can share my story and that I can smile knowing that even if I never experience motherhood to the fullest extent, I will always have my angel. And because of him I am able to comfort and guide other women towards healing in their lives as well.

In loving memory of Khalid Ahmaad Cuthbert and all the other angels in our lives.

If you would like to guest post with us in months to come, please send us a message via our Contact Us page.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Guest Post: Georgie

Today we are lucky enough to have Georgie with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person. Please take a moment to read her post and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

                                                    Remembering Blake - My Story
This is my beautiful baby boy Blake, born at 16:46pm on Sunday, December 4th 2011.

He had lots of black hair, and deep-blue eyes, with a dark 'patch' in the inside corner of his left. He was a quiet, happy, greedy, contented little boy.
One Monday, 13th February 2012, we went to sleep in the early hours. My partner Daniel, Kaicia (our daughter) and I all woke up. Blake did not. Even though we rushed him to hospital, our beautiful baby Blake was pronounced dead at 10:22 am on that fateful Monday.

Reports from the Post-mortem showed that Blake's death was due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Statistics from the FSID, the country's leading cot death charity, states that over 600 babies die unexpectedly and unexplainedly every year in the UK.

Grief is a normal process to go through, and having a seven year old daughter to look after is hard. We answer whatever questions Kaicia has and she has help from Winston's Wish, a great charity that helps children to remember the happy times with loved ones, teaching them that grief is normal and that although not here, Blake can still be a part of our family and lives.
We say good morning and good night every day to Blake. We have a picture of him 'asleep' as well as several others of him where we can see them everyday. We have a 'Best Little Brother' certificate, and a four special teddies - One from Bear For An Angel, a cause very important to me, that provides parents with teddies to hold in memory of their angel babies (we also got a certificate each as well), a musical teddy that a neighbour bought for Blake, a blue elephant toy that makes a noise (my Dad got it for Blake's first Christmas, which he was here for) and finally, a Me To You bear holding four hearts (Blake, Kaicia, Daniel and myself), as well as candles and holders. That's Blake's shrine and as you can imagine, it has pride of place in our lounge.
Not long after Blake died, I started to write to him, letting him know how I felt. It was never intended for others to see, then one day I had the idea of uploading them, as a blog, to Tumblr, and 'Letters To Angel Blake' was born. My favourite entry in the blog is called, '71 Days, 71 Memories' (one for each day of his life) which I am seriously thinking of publishing.
Creating memories and incorporating your loved ones into your everyday life is hard, but ultimately one of the most rewarding things you can do. The more I do, be it blogging, helping the FSID to fundraise, buy more memorial items... the closer Blake feels to me.
It's not about denial - In fact, it's quite the opposite, you are saying, 'hey, my baby may not be here for you to see but he's here, and we will never forget him!'.
Of course, there are many things that Blake will never do. But there are ways around this, for example at a fair last summer, my daughter sat in the Fire Engine and also met a police officer. Blake would have loved this, but he was there! Kaicia took some photos with us and simply held them up while we took pictures, so he was there with her..... 

Next, after Christmas, we are making a memorial garden for Blake too, consisting of a raised bed, some lovely memorial ornaments and an Acer tree. We plan to spend as much time there as we can.
My advice to you is to never try and suppress any bad feelings you have, any sorrow.... Let it come to the surface, and turn it into something beautiful. As someone wise once said to me, "They live on through us and all we do".
Thank you for reading Blake's story. I hope you can take something positive from it :)
If you would like to guest post with us in months to come, please send us a message via our Contact Us page. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Thank you Sophie!!

We want to give a big shout of THANKS to Sophie for making and donating all of these beautiful headbands for the packages!! They are adorable! Thank you for all of your hard work!!! 

Monday, October 29, 2012

Guest Post: Sara

Today we are lucky enough to have Sara from Walking With Angels with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her site,  and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

People say I'm so sorry, I can't imagine, oh my, and then they go quiet.

What words are there to say when you are faced with the loss of a child. Nothing comes close to describing the agony of your heart.

When the doctors returned to that cold room and told me my daughter was gone, nothing could have prepared me for the destruction of my soul. I'm sure in the silence you could hear my heart shatter into pieces.

No more tomorrows.

How could it be that this beautiful mischievous young lady could one moment be laughing at a family bonfire to lying cold in an emergency room.

My legs couldn't hold me anymore and right then and there I prayed for death. I didn't want to go on without her. I couldn't bear to think  of her being without me. Heaven may be a wondrous place but a daughter needs her mother, a mother needs her daughter.

This isn't in the plan, no child should die first. This isn't the way, this isn't right, this isn't fair.

How can I go from planning her birthday to planning her funeral?

I guess some may say I should have been prepared that this may happen. I mean after all she had a devastating syndrome but nothing, NOTHING prepares you for the loss of a child.

You live in hope.

Walking away from that hospital room was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving my beautiful Olivia there.


 I'm never  going to be able to hold her again. Never again going to brush through those crazy curls of that wild blonde hair. Never again to lie beside her through the night sharing stories from the magical world of make believe. 

Never, never again.

My beautiful Olivia how you changed everyone who you met, how people left your company with a gift from your heart. You taught me so much in your short nine years, you reminded me of the power of laughter, sitting in intensive care watching you giggle at the cute doctor. Watching you smile sweetly at your school teachers so they would share their chocolate biscuits. 

So many memories I wrap around my heart like sticky tape holding the pieces together.

You wrapped everyone around your finger and everyone was wrapped up in your heart.

It's been nearly four years since you left us and still you guide me through life. I live with the memory of your courage, of your grace and I strive to do better and to make a difference. To honor you in every way I possibly can. 

But nothing takes away the pain, the emptiness that can only be filled by you.

The myth that time eases your heart is a lie, you just learn to cover the pain better, you learn to cope, you learnt to pretend.

I try not to think of each day as a day without you, but as a day closer to when we are reunited.

I think of you so often and try to imagine what it is like there in heaven. I am comforted from the knowledge that you are free from pain but like I've said before I worry you don't have your mom to hold you close.

Your sisters miss you desperately and still each one grieves in their own personal way. We talk about occasions that you won't be part of, your sisters weddings, the birth of your nieces and nephews and so much more 

But this isn't the truth, we should know better, you are by our sides always watching us from heaven as we journey through life.

In the rainbows the colour the sky, in the gentle breeze, in our laughter, our tears and our hearts.

There is nothing you can to say to someone when they have lost a child, except maybe just the words "one day".

One day there will be no pain
One day no more tears will fall
One day our hearts will be whole

One day we will be reunited because Jesus died on that cross for our eternity.

We have that promise of forever.

One day.

If you would like to guest post with us in months to come, please send us a message via our Contact Us page. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Guest Post: Lucy

Today we are lucky enough to have Lucy with us Guest Blogging from Upon Butterfly Wings - she is an amazing person who was willing to share with us all her story. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her site, and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

Hi there. My name is Lucy. I’m 31. I live in London, UK. I work full time for a rail company where I am the only female out of sixty four men. I live with my partner of 14 years, Steve who is ten and a half years older and who over the years is slowly starting to act his age. I love old school house music and a few too many Jack Daniels and Coke on a Friday night. I can’t swim. I can’t drive. I have size three feet. My hair is curly. I have no thyroid meaning medication is the difference between life and death. 

I’m a normal female. I have weight to lose. I love to flirt. I have a favourite pair of jeans. My wages only last me two weeks out of four. I have a very loving family and the most supportive if not completely mad in the head friends. 

This is where many would run out of things to say but when you have given birth to a sleeping baby, keeping your baby’s memory alive by talking and writing about them becomes the norm. 

Their memory and raising awareness become a part of your life and there are many ways to do either/both of the above. 

Personally I took the ‘set up your own charity’ direction. It’s been a long hard road to get to where we are now but it allows me to discuss my Son freely, to mention his name so often that my friends and family will talk about him off their own backs, that it sometimes surprises me how open they have become with his name and his memory.

I won’t lie; it’s taken a long time to get to this point. The first year of his death I spent it alone. I had many people around me physically but I would not allow any of them into my emotions or into my head which lead to deep depression and a lot of confusion. I spent a long time feeling lost. Not having any direction in life. Stuck in the then, not being able to live the now or see the future. 

I found it hard to talk about Bobby in terms of emotion rather than ‘fact’. The fact that he died, how he died, why he died were easy subjects to discuss because they soon became a part of a well rehearsed script. It became impossible for me to talk about the ‘emotions’ of how that made me feel, how it affected my every day, the pressure it put onto our relationship. 

About how it is possible to miss and physically hurt so much for a little person that I had only got to meet and hold for a whole 45 minutes.

Talking about my Son is the way I keep his memory alive and having a baby loss charity gives me an outlet to be able to do that. 

At the end of the day if you say something enough times, over and over, people will start to listen and it will become part of their every day norm. And this is how awareness is indirectly raised. 

Lucy - Angel Mum to Baby Bobby Franks 03.07.09

If you would like to guest post with us in months to come, please send us a message via our Contact Us page. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Guest Post: Nikisha

Today we are lucky enough to have Nikisha with us Guest Blogging - she is such an amazing  person that also has created a non-profit in order to help others. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her websites, and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

            My name is Nikisha and I am a mommy to a sweet baby boy who is in the arms of God and this is the beginning of my stillbirth journey.  A week and a half before my due date I am getting excited that I am about to bring my firstborn child into the world.  The only thing on my mind is making sure everything is in place so that when he comes I will not have to worry about buying anything else.  I just had a baby shower at work a week or two before so everything was really coming together.  It is Monday morning and I am scheduled for a routine weekly prenatal checkup.  Everything looked good even though it took the Doctor a couple of minutes to find the heartbeat I then mention that the baby did not move as often as he used to.  The Doctor did not say anything about it he just kept looking for his heartbeat and he finally found it. 

            Three days later I am woken up by a sharp pain and I thought I was going to start having contractions but nothing else happened and I went back to sleep.  The next morning I went to my scheduled ultrasound with the father of my baby.  I was excited because this would be the first time he would see the Ultrasound since he was out to sea for the latter part of my pregnancy.  The Ultrasound technician started looking at the baby everything looked good and then she made it to his heart and she looked at it for a minute and then said she would be right back.  My heart started sinking because I knew something was wrong since she left in the middle of the ultrasound.  After a few minutes my Dr. and his nurse came in and the Dr. took a look at the ultrasound and then he told us the bad news that my baby died.

            Sitting there in shock not knowing what to think, feel, say, or do the Dr. tells me to go into an exam room.  Still in shock we go into the exam room and the tears start to fall and the nurse consoles me.  The Dr. examines me to see if I had dilated any and I was almost two centimeters dilated.  He then proceeds to tell me the procedure of things to come.  We then schedule an induction to start at midnight.  I am silently praying and bargaining with God to perform a miracle.  I check in the hospital at midnight and at 9:45pm I give birth to Raekwon Kemel M.  As they are cleaning him off I am praying silently for God to give my baby life.  I was able to hold him the entire three days I was in the hospital as often as I wanted to.  I could not hold him too long because he was cold and they did not want his body to warm up too much.  An experience I will never forget.

            The years after Raekwon’s death I suffered with a deep dark depression and turned away from God because I did not understand why He was allowing this to happen to me.  After about five years of being sad I was flipping through the channels and came across this preacher and what he was saying applied to my life and that was the new beginning to my renewed faith.

            This is just a brief detail of my story.  More will come as I write down my ongoing experiences.  It has been almost twelve years and there are still times I get sad about not having my son here.  Hopefully by sharing my story will let you know that you are not alone and you can overcome this tragic circumstance especially when God is involved.  I started a nonprofit organization where we donate care bags to parents experiencing stillbirth and neonatal loss.  I ship the bags everywhere and donate them to churches and hospitals.  I also started a blog because the journey after having a stillbirth cannot be told in one sitting.  You can check it out at http://precioustendermoments.blog.com.  You can also find my website at http://precioustendermoments.org.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Guest Post: Marissa

Today we are lucky enough to have Marissa with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person who was willing to share with us all her story. Please take a moment to read her post and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

My husband and I were married two years before we became pregnant with our first son. Out of our friends and family we felt as though we were expected to get pregnant right away before anyone else, but we were were one of the last. It was finally our turn to go through all the ups and downs of being pregnant together and dreaming of this little baby growing inside of me. With the support of our loved ones we looked forward to being parents and adding a third member to our small family. 

We attended our anatomy ultrasound at 5 months with excitement only to leave with conflicting feelings of uncertainty and doubt about the health of our baby and happiness to learn we were having a boy. The ultra sound technician noticed some problems right away and called another doctor in for a second opinion. We knew when we left the office that our baby had a cleft foot and that there were other parts of the baby that weren't up to speed in terms of development. After waiting 2 long and grueling days we met with a neo-natal specialist who performed another silent and long ultrasound. He explained to us all the problems that the baby had as he evaluated each part of his body. In the back of my mind I had hope and knew that these were complications that could be fixed and I could live with as long as I could keep this baby. I would love him no matter what. My husband and I were escorted to the doctor's office and sat down with him and a pathologist where they proceeded to explain that all those complications meant one thing. His condition was not 'compatible with life' and we had two options: terminate the pregnancy or carry as long as we could. 

My worst nightmare came true. I recall a real conversation I had with my husband before we went to the anatomy ultrasound. I expressed fear that our child would be deformed or have a mental retardation. Which he quickly shot down with phrases like, 'don't think like that' and 'that's not going to happen.'  I couldn't believe that not only was our child deformed, but he was not fit to live outside the womb. He had a rare condition called Body Wall Complex or Body Stalk Anomaly which can include a number of problems. Our son had an extremely large omphalocele with his bladder and liver growing outside his abdomen, his spine was underdeveloped, he had a club foot (which was the cutest little foot I have ever seen), and a short umbilical cord. What were we supposed to do now? With our dreams crushed and our hearts broken we were forced to decide whether we would abort the pregnancy or continue with only a 2 week time frame. No pressure.

With much prayer and counsel with friends, family, and church leaders we decided to continue the pregnancy for as long as we could. I felt him moving inside of me everyday. Each time I went to the doctors after this news I had an ultrasound and saw his heart beating. He had a perfect heart so how could everything else be so wrong and how could I bring myself to end this pregnancy sooner that his little heart would stop beating? Why couldn't I keep him with me? These were constant questions. 

I ended up carrying to 39 weeks and had an elective c-section to allow him the best chance to survive the delivery. We wanted to meet him and say goodbye. Joshua James Mortensen was born September 13th, 2011. He lived for 40 minutes and died in my arms where he belonged. It was peaceful and quiet. He was beautiful. I wish I could go back to the moment when he was first born and relive it over and over again. It makes me feel close to him even though it hurts to think about it. Forty minutes is just not long enough. I still try and put myself emotionally back in the hospital when he was born and I was holding him and looking at him. I don't remember all the things that I said to him, but I know it wasn't a lot and I want to say so many things to him. The hardest part is the uncertainty of why he developed this particular problem or why any baby does, whether he was in pain or not, if he was scared, or most importantly if he knew that his mom and dad loved him so much. The only thing I'm certain of is that no matter what choice we would have made that it would be hard. I knew we would live with the consequences good or bad, but that life would be ok. It has been more than ok. I love my life and I can honestly say I find joy in it everyday, but I think about that experience and still feel sadness. That will never go away. I also believe that I will have the opportunity to be with him again because I have a loving Savior, Jesus Christ. We now have another baby boy who has filled our home with that sweet spirit a newborn brings and we can't wait to tell our little Clark all about his older brother Joshua James