Monday, October 29, 2012

Guest Post: Sara

Today we are lucky enough to have Sara from Walking With Angels with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her site,  and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

People say I'm so sorry, I can't imagine, oh my, and then they go quiet.

What words are there to say when you are faced with the loss of a child. Nothing comes close to describing the agony of your heart.

When the doctors returned to that cold room and told me my daughter was gone, nothing could have prepared me for the destruction of my soul. I'm sure in the silence you could hear my heart shatter into pieces.

No more tomorrows.

How could it be that this beautiful mischievous young lady could one moment be laughing at a family bonfire to lying cold in an emergency room.

My legs couldn't hold me anymore and right then and there I prayed for death. I didn't want to go on without her. I couldn't bear to think  of her being without me. Heaven may be a wondrous place but a daughter needs her mother, a mother needs her daughter.

This isn't in the plan, no child should die first. This isn't the way, this isn't right, this isn't fair.

How can I go from planning her birthday to planning her funeral?

I guess some may say I should have been prepared that this may happen. I mean after all she had a devastating syndrome but nothing, NOTHING prepares you for the loss of a child.

You live in hope.

Walking away from that hospital room was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving my beautiful Olivia there.


 I'm never  going to be able to hold her again. Never again going to brush through those crazy curls of that wild blonde hair. Never again to lie beside her through the night sharing stories from the magical world of make believe. 

Never, never again.

My beautiful Olivia how you changed everyone who you met, how people left your company with a gift from your heart. You taught me so much in your short nine years, you reminded me of the power of laughter, sitting in intensive care watching you giggle at the cute doctor. Watching you smile sweetly at your school teachers so they would share their chocolate biscuits. 

So many memories I wrap around my heart like sticky tape holding the pieces together.

You wrapped everyone around your finger and everyone was wrapped up in your heart.

It's been nearly four years since you left us and still you guide me through life. I live with the memory of your courage, of your grace and I strive to do better and to make a difference. To honor you in every way I possibly can. 

But nothing takes away the pain, the emptiness that can only be filled by you.

The myth that time eases your heart is a lie, you just learn to cover the pain better, you learn to cope, you learnt to pretend.

I try not to think of each day as a day without you, but as a day closer to when we are reunited.

I think of you so often and try to imagine what it is like there in heaven. I am comforted from the knowledge that you are free from pain but like I've said before I worry you don't have your mom to hold you close.

Your sisters miss you desperately and still each one grieves in their own personal way. We talk about occasions that you won't be part of, your sisters weddings, the birth of your nieces and nephews and so much more 

But this isn't the truth, we should know better, you are by our sides always watching us from heaven as we journey through life.

In the rainbows the colour the sky, in the gentle breeze, in our laughter, our tears and our hearts.

There is nothing you can to say to someone when they have lost a child, except maybe just the words "one day".

One day there will be no pain
One day no more tears will fall
One day our hearts will be whole

One day we will be reunited because Jesus died on that cross for our eternity.

We have that promise of forever.

One day.

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