Monday, October 5, 2015

Guest Post: Camilla

Today we are lucky enough to have Camilla from Happy Hancock'sshe is such an amazing  person who is willing to share her story with usPlease take a moment to read this post, visit her blog,  and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page

out of nowhere, unstoppable.

it came totally unexpected.
this moment, this sadness, this crying that i haven't cried since before christmas.
i knew it would eventually come, the pain of sorrow that comes after loss.
the loss of a beginning, the loss of a miscarriage.
december 2nd, jay + i went into our first ultrasound to find there was no more heartbeat,
no baby, no more beginning. + on december 4th, i went in for a d+c.

of course i had cried, of course i was sad,
nothing will compare to that cry in my kitchen after learning we miscarried
 that left me with no more tears,
no more cries that sounded like animal noises,
just jay + i clinging on to each other.
but i had s u c h a support system during the whole process, 
i felt like the lucky one who had a trial,
+ made it past it with a few bump + bruises,
 extra padding + advice to give to others who felt what i felt.
christmas was different, it was when we planned to tell our families
so it came + passed with a sting, but no real sorrow.
new year goals centered around health, love + new beginnings, but again,
i was fine, i was okay.
but today it came totally unexpected,
this moment, this sadness, this crying that i knew it would eventually come, 
the pain of sorrow that comes after loss.
the loss of a beginning, the loss of a miscarriage.

how do we honor our losses + the fact that life doesn't always make much sense?
especially when the topic of miscarriage is hushed, not talked about 
+ has the stigma of feelings of failure.
take a look around you.
chances are, if you're sitting in a room with four women,
one of them has or will have a miscarriage.
i get to be one of the lucky ones of that sad statistic
but, since having my cry, since having my moment, i realized,
this is what i wanted when i told jay after finding out about a friends miscarriage.

i want to feel the joy of motherhood, or the pain of a miscarriage,
 but either way, i wanted to feel it + i wanted to start trying.

i realize that may sound strange or if you believe in fate, a curse on what i wanted, but i think that having this miscarriage change me for the better.
i finally want to be a mother.
i had a small taste of it for about 8 weeks.
the excitement, the already consuming love that surrounds the joy + the pain.
hearing jay say in our prayers,
please please bless our little baby that it will grow healthy + strong
will be something i'll always remember + never forget.
+ this miscarriage will be another egg in my basket, 
another experience to add to my life that i'll be able to share with others,
to help them through their pain or fears,
because let me tell you,
trying/being/loosing pregnancy is hard, 
but oh so so worth it.

who am i? 
i know almost nothing of it,
but what i do know is that any + all of it is worth it,
the pain or a miscarriage or the joy of a pregnancy,
it will be worth it.

a friend of mine posted a picture of me with this quote today:

"she was unstoppable. not because she did not have failures or doubts.
but because she continued on despite them."
-beau taplin

+ it was exactly what i needed in this minute, that quote.
because i am unstoppable, not because of my sorrows, pain or doubts, 
but because i continue on, because i learn + because i grow 
+ when my time comes to be a mother happens,
again, i'll be unstoppable, i'll continue on.

If you would like to guest post with us this month it isn't too late, please send us a message via our Contact Us page. 


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