Saturday, October 25, 2014

Capture Your Grief - Days 24 & 25

Day 24: Forgiveness

When I think about forgiveness and my grief journey the person who I need to forgive most is myself.  In the past I used to resent people who made comments that were hurtful but I no longer let those comments bother me.  There are still times when I feel guilty about my son's death.  I know in my heart that nothing I would have done differently that night would have kept him alive but it is hard to come to terms with the fact that my perfectly healthy newborn went to sleep and never woke up and nobody can tell us WHY.  I'll never forget being interviewed by a detective in the hospital and him starting off with....So, your a nurse.....In my mind I wanted to scream, YES I'm a nurse, and YES my son was in bed with me and YES he passed away.  Gage had been in bed with me, he was where I usually slept and I was where my husband usually slept a good arms length apart.  I hold onto a lot of guilt since cosleeping is thought to be one of the risk factors for SIDS.  I have coslept with each of my children while breastfeeding and know 110% that this did not play a role in Gage's death, but having someone throw it in my face was difficult.  I try to move past these thoughts and feelings but they still eat at me often. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart

Day 25: Mother Earth
I didn't plant a tree or seeds today but have several times in the past.  We planted a tree in our back yard shortly after Gage passed and keep it surrounded by flowers.  Every time I look at them I am reminded of my sweet boy.  We have enjoyed keeping up the tree and flowers as a family.  I received a packet of Forget-Me-Not seeds in a card from my aunt after Gage passed.  This is one reason I chose to incorporate a packet of Forget-Me-Not seeds in each of the kits that we donate through our non-profit organization in Gage's memory.  I like to think that other families can plant these seeds and have something beautiful to look at while they remember their sweet babies gone too soon. 
#captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart

Capture Your Grief is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation. If you are not grieving the death of a child but a loved one and would like to raise awareness for the bereaved parents community, we welcome you to take part as well to help us spread the word about our community. For more information visit CarlyMarie Project Heal at


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